


as small as a world and as large as alone

by ohvictor



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Canon Compliant, Day At The Beach, Established Relationship, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, Nonbinary Character, Other, POV Third Person Limited, Pining, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Unrequited Crush
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-02
Updated: 2015-08-02
Packaged: 2018-04-10 15:58:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4398167
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohvictor/pseuds/ohvictor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Yamaguchi was right. (He was, in fact, nearly always right.) Going on a beach trip with your crush (and your crush’s boyfriend) was a terrible idea. Even if it meant seeing Kuroo in a swimsuit, and Bokuto too, who, despite being Kuroo’s boyfriend, was very attractive, and sometimes a lot nicer than Kuroo. Regardless. It was still a terrible idea.</p><p>or:<br/>For whatever we lose(like a you or a me)<br/>it’s always ourselves we find in the sea</p>
            </blockquote>





	as small as a world and as large as alone

**Author's Note:**

> here is a fun (sort of) beach trip fic for a ship i never thought i would write for, much less write 7.5k for. one time i went to the beach and fell asleep on the sand and got sunburned and apparently thought it was a good idea for a kurotsuk fic. big thank yous to kep and kit for giving me advice and putting up with my whining about this; also thanks to twitter in general for constantly inspiring me. 
> 
> as always in my stuff, kuroo is nonbinary with ze/zir pronouns, and bokuto is a trans guy (he/him). kenma, who is only referenced briefly, is nonbinary with they/them pronouns. if it looks like tsukishima is coded autistic, it was definitely on purpose, but i didn't feel comfortable tagging it as such. title is from 'maggie and milly and molly and may' by e.e. cummings. 
> 
> slight emetophobia warning for mentions of nausea/motionsickness at the very beginning. i didn't put an underage warning because there is no explicit sexual content, but it is implied in the background about 2/3 of the way through (between two 17-18 year olds), so steer clear if that is uncomfortable for you. if i tagged anything else incorrectly/should tag something, let me know. otherwise, i hope you enjoy!

Kuroo falls asleep on the first train, head lolling onto Bokuto’s shoulder and then bouncing as the train hits top speed. Bokuto seems to pay zir no mind, alternating between texting and staring mournfully out the window. Eventually he catches Tsukishima’s questioning eye and mumbles, “Got motionsick.”

The first mistake of many. Or maybe the first mistake was Tsukishima agreeing to go on this trip in the first place. When Kuroo had suggested an overnight at the beach, Tsukishima should have heeded Yamaguchi’s concerned look and turned zir down. (“You can probably see zir in a swimsuit another time,” Yamaguchi had said innocently.) He hadn’t even asked if they had a place to stay, or how much it would cost. He had just replied, “sure, keep me posted on details”, and then thrown his phone across the bed, making Yamaguchi laugh at him.

And then later that night, when he was home again and the anxiety had set in, he had texted Kuroo asking for more information, and this time, sitting on his brother’s bed with Akiteru sprawled beside him looking up inns and train routes on his laptop, Tsukishima double-checked that Kuroo actually had a plan, and learned that Bokuto was coming too, and Kenma if Kuroo could convince them.

In the end, Kenma had stayed home, surprising no one. Tsukishima thinks he might have liked the company, especially since Kuroo and Bokuto had been making some form of physical contact for the entire trip so far.

Yamaguchi was right. (He was, in fact, nearly always right.) Going on a beach trip with your crush _and_ your crush’s boyfriend was a terrible idea. Even if it meant seeing Kuroo in a swimsuit, and Bokuto too, who, despite being Kuroo’s boyfriend, was very attractive, and sometimes a lot nicer than Kuroo. Regardless. It was still a terrible idea.

They slouch off the train at Yokohama, Kuroo yawning and bumping into other travelers and then finally dropping zir ticket at the turnstile, and after a few minutes of zir digging between the turnstile and the wall to retrieve it, they’re almost late for their second train. Tsukishima, who has spent the entire day on public transport, unlike Bokuto and Kuroo who have only spent the past hour or so on trains, is tired and grumpy. Kuroo is sleepy; Bokuto is still nauseous; they all slump into their seats as the new train picks up speed, and Tsukishima presses his forehead against the train window, wishing he was anywhere else.

It’ll be okay, he tells himself, once they get to the beach. They’ll get to do beach things, like lay in the sand or run around in the water or whatever else. Except Tsukishima would rather be with Yamaguchi for that, or Akiteru, or maybe even some of his teammates, if only for the familiarity, being able to fade into the background save a few snide comments. He doesn’t know if he can do that with these two.

He likes Kuroo and Bokuto, and he trusted them enough to go through with this, but despite all the times they’ve irritated him or messed up thus far on the trip, proving themselves to be just teenagers only a little older than himself, Tsukishima always feels like a little kid next to them. Big third years (shorter than him, though given their builds it doesn’t feel it) who had pushed to take two trains instead of one to save a little money despite the trip's already hefty cost, even though they’d almost missed the transfer. Captains, who led their teams to _nationals_ , who run practices every day, who mediate disputes instead of running away, and who still find time to practice with little backwoods nobodies like Tsukishima. And invite him to the beach, even though he’s third wheeling and they’ll probably kick him out to have sex or something.

“Hey, Tsukki,” Kuroo murmurs, right in Tsukishima’s ear. Ze’s leaning forward, arms folded against the back of Tsukishima’s seat. Tsukishima swears he jumps a half a meter.

“What?”

“Do you ever think about how everybody on this train has an asshole? Like, everybody on this train has probably taken a shit in the past week.”

Tsukishima stares at zir.

“At least, I hope they have. I guess I can’t make generalizations like that.”

If this is Kuroo’s idea of cheering him up, it’s not working. “Kuroo-san--”

“Tetsurou,” Bokuto says, staring straight ahead, “as much as I love your sense of humor, can we not talk about bodily functions right now?”

Kuroo eases back in zir seat. “Yeah, sorry.” Ze leans into Bokuto, apologetic. The look that passes between them makes something in Tsukishima ache.

For what feels like the hundredth time, he wishes he had stayed home.

Oblivious to Tsukishima’s nerves, the train bustles onwards. They get off at Zushi Station, Kuroo yawning and blinking zirself awake once again, Bokuto louder now that his stomach has calmed. Tsukishima trails behind them, letting them scan the bus map on the wall and then lead the way out of the station to the bus bay to catch a bus to the beach, where Tsukishima ends up sandwiched awkwardly between an increasingly boisterous Bokuto and a dirty window for an endless half hour.

The moment they finally step off the bus, though, Tsukishima’s regret melts away. He can smell the ocean just a block from the bus stop, can hear the cries of birds in the distance and the yells of children, smell sunscreen and the tang of seawater in the air. He tips his head back and closes his eyes, feeling the sun on his face, and he can feel himself relax, just a little. Just enough.

He opens his eyes again to find Kuroo watching him. Ze smiles when ze notices ze’s been caught. “Feel better?” ze says quietly, as Bokuto exclaims loudly over the good weather at zir side.

And there it is, the side of Kuroo that Tsukishima hates most. After a morning of increasing frustration, leaving Tsukishima tired and overstimulated and nerves so raw he feels like flinching every time someone speaks to him, Kuroo turns around and notices Tsukishima isn’t feeling great and does something so _sweet_.

Of course, Yamaguchi or Akiteru would have noticed way earlier. They always hover when he’s in a mood, asking over and over if Tsukishima is okay every time he so much as frowns. But Kuroo always waits until just the right moment. Tsukishima has it so bad.

“A little,” he says aloud. Kuroo nods.

“It’s good now that we’re at the beach. You’ll unwind once we get down to the water, you’ll see.”

Tsukishima wonders, not for the first time, if Kuroo can read minds. But before he can say anything in reply, Bokuto is tugging Kuroo away down the sidewalk, and Tsukishima hitches his backpack straps up on his shoulders and adjusts his glasses, slipping down his nose, and walks after them.

By the time they reach the sand Tsukishima is sweaty and tired from weaving through crowds, and so he stays put, spreading out a towel to sit on, as Kuroo and Bokuto chatter excitedly and shuck off their clothes in preparation for heading down to the water. Bokuto leaves his shirt on, unfortunately for Tsukishima’s embarrassing thoughts about admiring his wet abs from afar, but Kuroo strips down to very tight swim trunks, which is so much worse than Tsukishima had prepared for. And then they slather each other in sunscreen, still talking and laughing as they stretch and smooth their hands over their arms and legs, and to top it off Tsukishima manages to catch Kuroo’s eye as ze’s rubbing sunscreen down zir thighs. Kuroo winks, and Tsukishima scowls and lies down flat on the towel so Kuroo won’t see his blush.

Eventually Kuroo and Bokuto finish and go running down the beach into the water, and Tsukishima finally relaxes again, just a little. The sun beats down as he lies on the towel, replacing his fading blush with an even pink that lingers under his skin. His cheeks, his nose, his arms and legs bake in the sun, but the heat is comfortable, leaving him dazed and drifting, the noise of the beach fading into a dull buzz in the background, like a conversation in another room.

He doesn’t mean to doze off, but he ought to have expected it. The low pulse of the waves lulls him to sleep, and the heat settles down around him like a thick blanket, seeping into his body from all sides, hot sand and humid air and the sun in the sky, easing the aches of travel. Kuroo and Bokuto are off enjoying themselves in the water, and Tsukishima is more than content to lie where he is.

A warm, cocoon-like sleep overtakes him. The heat seeping into his body sinks into his dreams, guiding his unconscious mind into awful, tantalizing scenarios. Deft hands on his body, palms that burn so hot they draw pink handprints to the surface of Tsukishima’s skin. Dark, messy hair and a laugh to match. A warm tongue on his neck, on his chest.

“Tsukki?”

Tsukishima jolts awake at the sound of a voice very close by. The sun overhead is almost too bright to keep his eyes open, but Tsukishima can tell Bokuto is leaning over him, looking concerned. He squints, scanning for Kuroo, and finds zir standing behind Bokuto. They’re both soaking wet, Bokuto’s shirt nearing see-through, clinging to his abs and exposing the dark shape of his binder underneath. Luckily Kuroo is too far away for Tsukishima to see zir body in much detail.

He’s still hot all over. Tsukishima tries to tell himself that it’s the sun, the sand, but as he wakes up fully and takes stock of his body, he notes an unfortunate heat in his groin that wasn’t there when he fell asleep. Mercifully, as far as he can tell, he isn’t hard. It’s the little things.

“You’re so pink,” Bokuto says, still concerned. “You should’ve put sunscreen on!”

“Look, he’s getting a glasses tan,” Kuroo says from behind Bokuto, sounding gleeful, and Tsukishima hates zir. He really does.

Several responses pop up in his head, varying from lying back down and ignoring them both to shrieking and burrowing into the sand forever, or maybe telling them to fuck off and go back to the water. What he ends up saying is, “How long was I asleep?”

“Dunno,” says Bokuto. He squats next to Tsukishima, and Tsukishima sits up slowly, blinking. Now that he’s moving, he can feel a new ache all over his body, his skin tingly and too tight. Definitely sunburned. “I think just an hour. Tetsu, how long do you think we were in the water?”

“More than an hour, judging by Tsukki’s sunburn,” says Kuroo.

“You can’t judge based on sunburn! What are you, a forensics expert?”

Kuroo laughs. “Nah. I don’t know, maybe an hour and a half, two hours?”

Bokuto frowns. “That long?”

“Yeah, probably. Like three groups of kids came and went while we were out there.”

“The sun’s barely moved, though! Anyway, kids have short attention spans; maybe they just kept getting bored.”

“You have a short attention span too, and you stayed the whole time.”

Tsukishima tunes out their easy bickering, and rolls onto his side to grab the sunscreen bottle he sees sticking out of Kuroo’s bag. He can’t get rid of his current burn, but he can at least make sure it doesn’t get worse. The cool lotion is soothing on his skin, although it mingles unpleasantly with the sweat on his face. He’s not too worried about getting a glasses tan; he’s used to those by now, having worn glasses a good portion of his life. The sunscreen makes his nose even more slippery, and he rubs at the spot where his glasses sit, trying to get rid of the moisture so his glasses won’t feel gross on his face.

Bokuto says his name, drawing his attention. “I’m going to go get ice cream for me and Tetsurou,” he says, once Tsukishima is looking at him. “Do you want anything?”

Suddenly struck by the fact that this will leave him alone with Kuroo, Tsukishima restrains the urge to jump up and go with Bokuto. “If they have anything with strawberries,” he mumbles. “I’ll pay you back.”

“No way, it’s my treat! We dragged you all the way here from Miyagi, so you don’t have to pay for anything else.” Tsukishima opens his mouth to protest, but Bokuto shakes his head, getting to his feet. “Strawberries, yeah? They should have something for you. I’ll be back in a bit!”

With that, he’s gone, weaving between towels and umbrellas and groups of excited kids. Tsukishima watches him go even after Bokuto is just a silhouette in the distance, reluctant to give Kuroo his attention.

When he does look, Kuroo is spreading out a towel next to Tsukishima’s. Ze’s put zir shirt back on, which is a small relief. Kuroo lies down and puts zir hands behind zir head, eyes squinting and then closing fully as ze tips zir head back to face the sky. Tsukishima watches zir once zir eyes are safely shut, and sits up more fully, bringing his knees up to his chest to hug them. He feels himself start to rock in place, but Kuroo doesn’t say anything, so Tsukishima lets himself keep doing it.

Tsukishima’s stolen enough glances at Kuroo over the past months to compile a full image of what ze looks like from most angles, but it’s not often that he can look at zir without having to be stealthy about it. Zir hair is the most striking feature about zir, always the same mess, splayed in every direction. There’s also the standard catlike eyes that ze shares in some way with most of zir team, and zir ever-present smirk, sometimes with teeth bared for extra intimidation. The taunting lilt to zir voice, even more conspicuous when it’s missing, the few times Tsukishima has seen Kuroo disarmed or, rarer still, genuine. The curve of zir nose, the shadows of zir eyelashes on zir cheeks, the fullness of zir lips that Tsukishima only sees when Kuroo’s mouth is relaxed, not pulled into a smirk or a laugh.

He wonders if Bokuto notices all of this. If he’s ever laid next to Kuroo and pointed out all of zir features and complimented each one. Tsukishima thinks if he ever tried it himself he would die of embarrassment before he got any lower than Kuroo’s hair, but Bokuto is astonishingly hard to embarrass, forcefully sincere in a way that both scares and impresses Tsukishima.

In the bright sunlight, there’s more about Kuroo to admire. Zir wet hair gleams copper under the sun, like the tangle at the end of a frayed wire. Sunlight collects in tiny puddles on zir brow, zir upper lip, under zir cheekbones. Ze’s just close enough for Tsukishima to smell zir, salt and sunscreen and sweat and that hint of Kuroo’s own scent that’s always there, sharp like cologne, sticking on Tsukishima’s tongue.

He licks his lips, and stares hard at Kuroo’s. He hasn’t recovered from his dream after all. Maybe he should have gone with Bokuto, even if it would have been awkward.

“Hey, Tsukki,” says Kuroo, and Tsukishima jumps badly, but Kuroo’s eyes are still closed. “What time is it?”

“Time for you to get a watch,” Tsukishima says dully, but he digs in his bag for his phone, ignoring Kuroo’s scoff. “It’s just after four.”

“Cool.” Kuroo blinks and sits up. “Do you want to go in the water or anything? I feel kind of bad, we keep leaving you here with the stuff...”

Water would be nice after sitting here in the heat for so long. “Maybe.”

Kuroo raises zir eyebrows. “Want company?”

“You just said--someone has to stay with the stuff...”

“We’ll go really quick, come on. Koutarou will be back soon, anyway.”

Tsukishima hesitates, and then shoves his phone deeper into his bag and zips it up. Kuroo is already standing, brushing whatever sand made it onto zir towel off zir damp legs. Zir grin is blinding, even with the whole of the sun right beside it. Tsukishima feels weak, his thoughts hazy. Water would be good; maybe it can clear his head. He stands and follows Kuroo on shaking legs down to the water.

The hot sand burns the soles of Tsukishima’s feet, and he splashes into the water quickly, sidestepping a few shells half-embedded in the wet sand. Kuroo lingers behind him, letting a few waves peter out atop zir toes. Tsukishima doesn’t wait for zir, wading deeper until the water is up to his knees. Waves flow past and break just behind him, their crests brushing the bottoms of his shorts. He shivers belatedly; the water is colder than he expected, but it’s nice.

Kuroo joins him after a moment, and zir grin is wider, just as bright. “Good?”

“Yeah,” says Tsukishima. He wants to say more, but the words stick in his mouth as he looks at Kuroo.

Luckily, Kuroo doesn’t need a longer response. That’s another thing Tsukishima likes about zir, although he suspects it’s just a side effect of spending time with Kenma, who doesn’t say much either. “It’s good to cool down, right? I like being out here with you; you’re quieter. Koutarou just splashes around everywhere.”

Tsukishima must have looked weird, because Kuroo adds lightly, “Not that that isn’t fun too,” and wades in past Tsukishima, who has stood in place so long that he’s sunk down a centimeter into the sandy bottom. He tells himself Kuroo’s words mean nothing, and follows Kuroo after a moment.

Now thigh-deep in the water, the bottoms of his shorts swirling slowly around his knees as the waves roll past, he relaxes. The water is a murky blue-green around his legs, the sky a calm blue that compliments the ocean nicely at the horizon. A few clouds hang overhead, offering no respite from the harsh sunlight, but the bright heat on Tsukishima’s shoulders and the cold water around his legs is a good mix. His senses fill up with ocean, the noise of the beach at his back dulled with the sound of waves all around, the tang of saltwater collecting on his lips and tongue, mixing with his sweat. It tastes almost the same, but the seawater tastes darker.

He stands there for a while, feet slowly sinking into the sand as the water pulses past, eyes closed and head tilted back to stop his glasses from slipping. He feels the vestiges of the train rides, grime and sensory overload and the tension in his muscles, melting away, and although his senses are still pushed full to bursting, he doesn’t mind these sensations as much.

“Oi, Tsukki,” says Kuroo from behind him, after a few more minutes have passed. “Kou’s back.”

Tsukishima turns slowly, lifting his feet from the indents the waves built them in the sand, and follows Kuroo back up the sloping shore, past the waves breaking against the shore, back into the cocoon of heat and noise. He misses the water, but the promise of ice cream had reminded him that he hasn’t eaten in hours, and he’s excited for it.

Bokuto has spread out a towel next to Kuroo’s, but he bounces up from it to hand Kuroo and Tsukishima their ice cream once they approach. He’s bought Tsukishima one of those strawberry shortcake bars, which is what Tsukishima was hoping for, and he settles on his towel to eat it. Bokuto and Kuroo sprawl out on their towels, and Tsukishima tries not to notice Bokuto stealing a bite of Kuroo’s watermelon ice.

The ice cream is eaten before it has a chance to melt, and another hour or so passes without much happening. Kuroo and Bokuto chat idly, falling into silence every so often as the lull of the beach comes over them and then goes again. Tsukishima, wary of worsening his sunburn, rolls onto his stomach, applies more sunscreen to his newly exposed parts, and drifts in and out of a light sleep.

Afternoon slides comfortably into evening, and eventually Bokuto’s stomach growls so loudly it wakes Tsukishima up, making Kuroo laugh uproariously and Bokuto demand they find dinner. The crowds on the beach have thinned by now, so they shake the sand from their towels and pack everything away without much hurry. They make their way up to the beach houses and stop at the first one they pass that has barbecue, which Bokuto is apparently craving. Tsukishima, who isn’t a barbecue fan, contents himself with a grilled vegetable alternative, and ends up finishing quickly, hungrier than he’d thought.

Tsukishima finds himself losing track of the table conversation too easily. The banter between Kuroo and Bokuto is light and comfortable, and he thinks maybe if he was more confident he could jump in, like he’s seen Akaashi and even Kenma do sometimes. But he stays quiet save answering the occasional question that’s deliberately directed at him, and eventually Tsukishima gives up, letting his focus stray to watch darkness fall over the beach. Lights flicker on along the row of beach houses and inns around them, and people begin to gather on the path, ready for a different aspect of beach fun.

Bokuto and Kuroo finish their food--they had each ordered a second helping, even offered to pay for another for Tsukishima--and lead the way out of the restaurant and down the strip to wherever their inn is. Tsukishima is relieved to see that it’s not the hole in the wall Akiteru had worried it might be. When he sees his bed he’s suddenly tired again, despite dozing so much at the beach, and he sinks onto the thin futon, dumping his bag unceremoniously next to him.

“Staying in, Tsukki?” Kuroo asks from across the room, where ze’s sitting cross-legged on zir own futon.

Tsukishima hadn’t realized there were plans to go out again. He raises an eyebrow at Kuroo, who takes it in zir stride and explains. “Koutarou wants to go out and see what’s around. You can come if you want, although it might not be as fun for you.”

So ze means drinking, probably, if they can score drinks, which from what Tsukishima’s heard isn’t too difficult. He’s been to parties at Kuroo’s before; he knows what to expect, but...

He hesitates. Being fifteen is an easy enough excuse for not wanting to drink, but even Akiteru, who’s been of age for two years now, doesn’t drink much outside of team outings, and neither of their parents drink much at home either. The idea of being around drunk people when he’s this tired, too, is not a pleasant one. Still, though, he hesitates; he paid so much money for this, and the chance to see Kuroo intoxicated, flushed and friendly, might be one he’d regret passing up, though it’s a sight he’s seen before, will probably see again.

But the resistance in the pit of his stomach to the thought of getting up from his futon now that he’s laid down makes the decision for him. “No, you go ahead. I’m tired.”

Kuroo hums, and Tsukishima tells himself he’s imagining that ze looks disappointed. “Okay, that’s fine. We won’t be out long, probably two hours tops.”

Tsukishima nods, and remembers the last time Akiteru came home after having too much sake. “You won’t be totally drunk when you get back, will you? Like, I won’t have to take care of you?”

“Do you want to take care of me?” Kuroo purrs, and then holds up zir hands when Tsukishima raises an eyebrow, keeping his expression cold. “No, no, we won’t be too drunk. Maybe a little horny, though, not gonna lie.” Ze laughs at the withering look Tsukishima gives zir. “Okay? We’ll text you if anything happens.”

“Whatever.”

Kuroo pats his leg fondly, and heads off to collect Bokuto from the next room. Tsukishima hears the sounds of their voices through the walls, catches a few phrases of planning, and then the door slides open and shut, and it’s quiet.

Tsukishima is now faced with the reality that he has nothing to do except go to sleep, which suddenly sounds like a poor way to spend a trip he paid so much money for, especially since he already slept on the beach. But he doesn’t want to try and catch up with Kuroo and Bokuto either, so he finds his phone and plays a game for a few minutes, and then calls Yamaguchi. It’s not much, but it’s something, and he has been missing Yamaguchi’s conversation all day.

Yamaguchi picks up on the last ring, after Tsukishima has already flopped around nervously on his futon for several seconds. “Tsukki! Are you all right? Is everything going okay?”

“Hello,” says Tsukishima. “I can call you when I’m not having a crisis, you know.”

Yamaguchi laughs, and a little bit of the tension in Tsukishima’s chest melts away at the sound. “Sorry, I know. But-- You are okay, though?”

“I’m fine. Kuroo-san and Bokuto-san went out drinking, and I’m bored.”

“Oh.” There’s some staticky noise, which Tsukishima thinks might be Yamaguchi rolling around on his bed. “So this is a boredom call?”

Tsukishima grumbles. “It’s the first time I’ve been alone all day, and I’m using it to call your sorry ass. Do you want to hear about the beach or not?”

Yamaguchi laughs again. “Okay, okay. What a great friend. Tell me about the beach!”

And he does, lying back on the futon and gesturing vaguely in the air above his face as he talks. Yamaguchi listens attentively, asking questions and humming appreciatively at all the right times. As always, talking to Yamaguchi helps Tsukishima process, and he feels his mind clearing gradually, unpacking little moments of insecurity or confusion for Yamaguchi to give his input, checking his perceptions against Yamaguchi’s clearer logic.

“So you didn’t get to see Bokuto-san shirtless?” Yamaguchi says, after Tsukishima has finished. “That’s disappointing.”

“I think he thought it would be weird to show off his binder to the whole beach,” Tsukishima says. “But I did get to see Kuroo-san, and that was...”

Yamaguchi laughs. Tsukishima revels in how easy it is to please Yamaguchi; here, he doesn’t feel like he has to constantly prove he’s worth it, like he’s felt all day. “Yeah, but you slept through it, right? You lost your chance!”

“I probably would have embarrassed myself if I’d been around zir shirtless for too long.” Tsukishima checks for the umpteenth time that he’s still alone, and adds, “Anyway, I was already-- It would have been too much, on top of the dream.”

“I can’t believe you had a sex dream in public! That’s so embarrassing!”

“Shut up! No one knew what I was dreaming about, so it’s fine!”

“I bet you were blushing and rolling around in your sleep,” says Yamaguchi, with the air of someone twisting a knife. “You said they woke you up, right? What if you were _moaning_?”

“Yamaguchi, I _swear_ \--”

Yamaguchi is laughing again. Tsukishima still wants to smack him a little, but he’s more relaxed than he’s felt all day, being teased by his best friend instead of by his awful, smug, heart-wrenchingly gorgeous crush. This had been a good idea, then; Bokuto and Kuroo can have their fun out by the beach houses and bars, and Tsukishima can have his, inside and mostly alone.

He loses track of time as Yamaguchi tells him about his own day, much less interesting than Tsukishima’s, and then they fall back on their usual topics, the idle chatter of best friends; Yamaguchi is worried about his math grade, Tsukishima is still irritated about something his mother had said before he left, and he doesn’t hear the sounds outside the door of their room until the sliding door is shoved open and Bokuto and Kuroo walk in, Kuroo absolutely _blaring_ music from zir phone.

Tsukishima jumps about a meter and drops his own phone in his lap.

“What is _that_?” says Yamaguchi, his voice tinny and barely audible from the phone speaker now lying on Tsukishima’s thigh. Tsukishima doesn’t answer right away, pinned by sudden stares from Bokuto and Kuroo, who look confused as to how he could possibly have been startled by such a loud and unexpected arrival. Irritation comes to his aid, though, and a scowl slides into place as Tsukishima picks up the phone and holds it to his ear with shaky fingers. “I’ll call you back.”

He hangs up and drops the phone on his futon, and then turns his scowl on Bokuto and Kuroo.

“Hi,” says Bokuto, unfazed. His whole body is tilting to one side, hands shoved in his pockets. “Sorry, we should’ve called ahead, but I guess you were on the phone so it wouldn’t’ve mattered, huh. But anyway, we got bored--”

Kuroo shuts off the music coming from zir phone, and Bokuto blinks at the sudden silence.

“Aw, that was my jam.”

“You weren’t even listening.” Kuroo steps forward into the room and sets zir phone down on the table, and plops down on a cushion. Zir movements are slow and lazy, and ze almost knocks into the table when ze sits down.

The realization that neither of them is sober is not surprising, but it still makes Tsukishima jolt a little. He doesn’t know what to do with two intoxicated teenagers, much less these two specific intoxicated teenagers. The room suddenly feels too small, and he reaches down blindly to grip his phone for something to hold onto, to release tension.

“Anyway, Tsukki, you should’ve come,” Bokuto continues abruptly. “Everyone was so nice, you wouldn’t have felt weird, and there was music and people were dancing and like, with the waves outside and stuff,” and to Tsukishima’s horror, he trudges over and sits down on the end of Tsukishima’s futon, “it’s so nice out, this was a great idea, this whole trip. I hope you’re having fun, Tsukki, I’m having fun.” He beams at Tsukishima, and Tsukishima has a bizarre urge to pat his head.

“I need some air,” he says instead. Kuroo snorts.

“Yeah, Kou, don’t put your drunk ass right in his face.”

“I didn’t do that!” Bokuto frowns at Tsukishima. “Did I mess up?”

“No,” says Tsukishima, which he doesn’t think is entirely a lie. “I just-- Need some air.”

Bokuto’s frown deepens. “You were on the phone, right? Did we interrupt something important? Is everything okay?”

Tsukishima sees an escape route open up. “I was talking to Yamaguchi. He’s kind of upset, so I can just go outside, maybe, and call him back.”

“Oh...” Bokuto’s entire face droops. “I’m sorry... Tell Yamaguchi-kun sorry for me.”

“Okay.” Tsukishima grips his phone tighter. If he doesn’t leave now, he might not be able to again. As he stands up, though, Kuroo fixes zir gaze on him. “When will you be back?”

Something sinks in Tsukishima’s gut. “I know you probably want to have the place to yourselves for a while,” he says, keeping his tone neutral. “Just, text me or whatever--”

“Aw, Tsukki, it’s not like that--”

“Wait, are we not having sex?” says Bokuto.

“Kou, shut up! You’re ruining my moment!”

“I didn’t realize you were having one!”

Kuroo groans, and turns more fully to face Tsukishima. “Listen, I’ll come find you, okay? I gotta deal with Kou and then I wanted to hang out with you, a little. If you’re game for taking care of _my_ drunk ass, that is.” Ze grins, the same challenging grin as always, and in spite of everything, it makes Tsukishima weak. As always. He has it so bad.

“Yeah,” he says. “Let me know when you’re ready; I’ll look out for a text.” He steps away from his futon, moving towards the door.

“Tsukkiiiii,” says Bokuto, rolling off of Tsukishima’s futon now that Tsukishima isn’t on it anymore. “Stay safe.”

“I will. Have fun.” Half sarcasm, he doesn’t immediately realize the implication behind his words, until Kuroo starts laughing. Tsukishima leaves in a huff, hoping neither of them see the blush spreading up his cheeks and the back of his neck.

The night air is much cooler than the day had been. Tsukishima heads towards the sound of the waves crashing on the beach, and kicks off his shoes when he reaches the sand, tucking them under one arm. The sand is cool under the soles of his feet now, and he walks to the place where the high tide had left the sand wet and packed down, and sits down there.

Without bothering to text first, he calls Yamaguchi back. This time Yamaguchi picks up on the second ring. Tsukishima explains his sudden disappearance, and then gradually tunes out Yamaguchi’s continuation of a story about his math class, watching new waves break over and over against the shore.

There’s a sliver of moon hanging overhead, and stars scattered across a mostly clear night sky. The water is a dark, shifting mass, rendering the sand eerily still in comparison. Tsukishima can’t see the ocean well but sometimes the tips of waves will catch the light of the moon as they crash, or a particularly foamy breaker will show up against the black sand, small reminders that it’s still there, that sometimes sight is unreliable.

Eventually the conversation with Yamaguchi dies down, and after hearing a few suppressed yawns through the phone Tsukishima tells Yamaguchi to go to bed and they end the call. This leaves Tsukishima where he’s been trying not to be all night: alone and wide awake with no distractions in a place best suited for contemplation, with things to contemplate, which he does not want to think about at all.

He checks for a text from Kuroo, but there’s nothing; it’s been nearly half an hour, so Tsukishima isn’t surprised. That thought leads to thoughts of what Kuroo is probably doing right now, which Tsukishima quickly shoves away.

It’s impossible not to think at all, and Tsukishima’s mind slowly fills with worries he’s been dodging all afternoon. That the trip was a bad idea, that all the money wasn’t worth it. That Kuroo and Bokuto invited him out of pity and, now that he’s come along, are only accommodating him. That he’s wasting his time here, with this ridiculous crush that won’t go away. That Kuroo would stop talking to him if ze knew.

When he had first met Kuroo, there had been nothing. Just the captain of his apparently destined rival team, who was a lot more into the whole garbage dump battle spiel than Tsukishima had ever cared to be. He remembers finding Kuroo vaguely attractive in the way confident strangers are unattainably beautiful, but then ze’d opened zir mouth and Tsukishima had lost interest. And then...

The summer training camp had changed a lot of things. To say that his crush on Kuroo was the only thing that came out of it would be ridiculous. But Tsukishima was fairly sure that he was handling everything else, that everything else was positive, innocuous. Improving at volleyball, finding his place on his team, all that growing up and coming of age stuff that Tsukishima usually scoffed at; none of that was _bad_ , really. It didn’t keep him up at night, at least. But of course it had to have been kickstarted by Kuroo and Bokuto.

At first, Tsukishima had thought that that was why he was thinking about Kuroo so much. His renewed interest and slow improvement at volleyball was a debt he owed to the ghouls of the third gym, so of course whenever he approached a block he saw Kuroo’s smirk in his head. That was normal, surely. Even when he was doing less related things, like eating barbecue, or taking off sweaty practice clothes, or talking to Yamaguchi, leaning over his shoulder before remembering an instance of Kuroo leaning over Kai’s in the same way.

And then he’d taken a look at himself and realized Bokuto had been a mentor to him in many of the same ways, and while sometimes Tsukishima thought about Bokuto’s body in an abstract sense, he definitely wasn’t thinking about Bokuto nearly as often as he thought about Kuroo. And then he’d had the bright idea of telling Yamaguchi, who had latched onto Tsukishima’s crush and invited a lot of very embarrassing pining sessions, and now Tsukishima was in so, so deep. He’d spent so much money on this silly trip just to stare at Kuroo’s body and maybe see zir smile a few times, and Tsukishima had even slept through most of Kuroo’s shirtlessness. The whole thing just got more and more ridiculous--

“Am I interrupting?”

Tsukishima has jumped a lot of times that day, but at the sound of Kuroo’s voice very close by he jumps harder than he feels like he’s jumped in hours.

“Damn.” Kuroo holds up zir hands, taking a step back. “Should’ve warned you before I-- Y’know. Spoke. Whatever. Can I sit down?”

How did ze find him? Did Tsukishima miss a text? Tsukishima stares up at Kuroo’s face, even though it’s too dark to make out zir expression. “Go ahead.”

Kuroo settles zirself down onto the sand beside Tsukishima. Ze’s wearing the same clothes as earlier, which betrays nothing about whatever ze was doing before this. Zir evident relaxation, eyelids drooping and smile sleepy now that ze’s close enough to see, is a sharp contrast to how tense zir arrival has left Tsukishima, and he tries to relax his muscles to match.

“Is Yamaguchi okay?” Kuroo asks. Tsukishima remembers his lie from earlier, and nods, a little guilty. Kuroo nods, and they sit awkwardly for another few seconds.

“Nice night,” Kuroo says.

“Are you here for small talk?” Tsukishima asks before he can stop himself.

“No, I’m just saying.” Kuroo blinks at him. “I like the beach at night. It’s peaceful. Are you having a bad night?”

Tsukishima doesn’t know if he has an answer to that. “Are you?”

There’s the smirk Tsukishima had been missing. “Do I look like I’m having a bad night? I had a great afternoon, great dinner, got a little buzz, got laid... And now I’m out here with you, a buzzkill, enjoying the nice ocean air.” Ze tilts zir head back and inhales deeply, as if to punctuate zir words.

“Okay. You didn’t have to tell me all that, you know. I was there.”

“Yeah, you were, but you don’t look too happy.” And there it is again, the perceptive, blunt part of Kuroo that Tsukishima hates. That tendency ze has of digging too deep without permission, of prodding parts of Tsukishima that he didn’t realize were exposed.

“I’m never happy.”

Kuroo laughs, short and huffy. “Yeah, yeah. I’m not doing something wrong, am I? I hope you don’t think we don’t want you here, Tsukki.”

 _Does_ he think that? Kuroo is sitting so close, it’s hard for Tsukishima to think. “No, it’s been fun...”

“Liar. You’ve been tired and nervous and you’ve been frowning all day, which I know is normal for you, but I didn’t want this to be just a _normal_ _day_.” Kuroo is suddenly serious, and ze turns zir head to meet Tsukishima’s eyes too fast for Tsukishima to look away. “This is supposed to be a getaway, just a fun day at the beach. Maybe I fucked up and the beach isn’t what you needed, but I thought maybe...”

Ze trails off, and Tsukishima knows he needs to say something but he doesn’t know what. He hadn’t realized Kuroo had been worrying too, that Kuroo even cared. Tsukishima is reminded suddenly of Hinata, repeatedly trying to get Kenma excited about matches and extra practices. There’s a persistence there, a desire to please, that Tsukishima can’t identify with, and now that it’s directed at him, Tsukishima doesn’t know if he wants it or not.

Pining is safer from a distance, he thinks. Maybe all he wanted out of this trip was a chance to be around Kuroo, to watch zir, perhaps to find something repulsive enough to get rid of his crush, but more likely to find more tiny things he likes about Kuroo to store away and ponder at three am when he can’t get to sleep. With Kuroo right here, beautiful and warm and a little vulnerable, Tsukishima is paralyzed by all the things he wants, all the things he doesn’t know if he wants to get.

“It’s been fun,” Tsukishima says finally. He’s not looking at Kuroo, but he feels Kuroo’s gaze rest on him after a moment. “You don’t have to worry about how I feel, Kuroo-san. That’s not your responsibility. You may be older than me, but we’re here as friends. If I didn’t have fun, it’s on me.” He pauses, one finger drawing a circle in the sand by his leg. “You and Bokuto-san were nothing but kind to me today. I appreciate it.”

“You’re so _politic_ , Tsukki,” says Kuroo, but there’s a smile behind zir words, and Tsukishima finally turns to look at zir. Kuroo is smiling, the faint light of the moon and stars catching on zir teeth and the curve of zir cheek, and Tsukishima is breathless again. Kuroo turns away to watch the water, seemingly reassured, and Tsukishima lets himself steal a few more seconds there, watching Kuroo’s face, the way ze slowly relaxes from a tension Tsukishima had overlooked before.

They sit for a while in silence. Tsukishima is surprised at first that Kuroo isn’t chattering the way Bokuto does, or the way Tsukishima has seen Kuroo idly filling silences around Kenma. But Kuroo seems too relaxed, maybe from the buzz ze’d mentioned, and ze appears content to just sit on the sand and listen to the waves break. Ze also doesn’t comment on Tsukishima watching zir, though ze must be aware of it. Tsukishima guesses he’s being indulged a little, especially after what Kuroo has confessed, but he’s grateful. It’s something, sitting there together; it’s more than he could have dared hope for.

Just when Tsukishima’s fingers are starting to feel stiff and cold from the wind off the water, Kuroo stretches and then rolls to zir feet. “I’m getting sleepy. Wanna go back?”

Ze yawns, as if to punctuate zir words. Tsukishima nods and stands up, legs knocking together a little as he gets his bearings, and they walk back along the beach together. Kuroo’s hands are stuffed in zir pockets, and Tsukishima wonders dully what it would be like to hold them, right now.

He thinks about all of it when he’s finally in bed, the lights in the room turned off, Bokuto’s snores echoing off the walls and the beginnings of quiet snuffles coming from Kuroo. He could have told Kuroo his feelings, down at the beach. In the dark room, the only one awake, Tsukishima aches with want; Kuroo’s warm, deft hands, Kuroo’s cheeks chilled by the wind and kissed with moonlight, Kuroo’s lips curving into that small, vulnerable smile. He wants to remember all of it, even if it hurts.

The morning is a blur of packing and searching for breakfast, and then hurrying to the bus stop to start the travel back. Kuroo has cram school in the evening, and Bokuto has volleyball practice, and as much as Tsukishima almost liked sleeping in a room with the two of them, he’s craving a chance to be alone and decompress. He doesn’t have a chance to breathe properly until they’re all packed onto the bus, and the deep breath he finally takes is stale bus air.

He’s sitting next to Kuroo this time, and Kuroo is dozing, which Tsukishima is realizing is a theme for Kuroo on public transport. Kuroo looks cute when ze sleeps, a fact Tsukishima hadn’t been able to appreciate the previous night. Bokuto is bouncing absently in his seat, texting--probably Akaashi, who had called earlier about a change of plans for that day’s practice. Somehow Tsukishima doubts that they are still talking about volleyball; as obsessed as Bokuto and Kuroo are, the expression on Bokuto’s face is a little too soft for that.

That’s it, Tsukishima thinks. Bokuto gets that expression for Akaashi, for volleyball, for his team, for his friends, and also for Kuroo. And Kuroo only looks genuine for certain things too, Kenma and a good spike and waking up from a nap, and ze’d smiled like that for Tsukishima, a few times now. So maybe Kuroo is dating Bokuto, but ze’d still come outside, exhausted and blissed out and when by all rights ze should have just cuddled up to Bokuto and gone to sleep, to sit with Tsukishima on the beach, Tsukishima who had been surly and unyielding. Maybe that was enough. Maybe it was okay like this.

Kuroo shifts sleepily next to Tsukishima, and zir head lolls onto Tsukishima’s shoulder. Tsukishima stiffens, instinctively looking up at Bokuto, but Bokuto is grinning, laughs silently at the look on Tsukishima’s face, and then goes back to texting. Tsukishima looks down at Kuroo’s face, eyes closed, mouth slack, and lets himself feel how warm Kuroo is pressed up against him. The bus travels on.


End file.
